The Winds of Change: No Omelets.

There are things I can’t do: I can’t eat too many omelets, because I have high cholesterol, which I just found out this week, which I find hard to believe, because I’ve never eaten a lot of omelets.  Up until now, I thought that’s how you got high cholesterol.  Omelets.  Apparently not.  Because I eat no more than two omelets a month, in a traditional month, and still got high cholesterol.  But then I read about treating high cholesterol without medication, which I’d really like to do, because some of the potential side-effects of these medications are terrifying (eyeballs explode, crap dinosaurs), and I found out that you shouldn’t eat too many omelets, because omelets don’t help you if you have high cholesterol at all.  Omelets can really hurt, in fact.

I am forty-one.  Last night, I told my intro to creative writing class that I’m forty (not even the truth, that I’m 41).  They were all like, “What?! No way!? Forty-year-olds are boring and fat and they wear elastic pants and they’re mad at us for texting, because they don’t know how, and they’re tired at nine and they can’t sleep through the night because of back pain and they’re soft in the middle because they no longer care about personal appearance and they’re angry about their parking spots and they drive slow in the fast lane, in their old cars and they don’t know how to play beer pong and they sit in their donut-cushion rocking chairs and they take viagra so they can make dumb jokes at the grocery store and they walk around the mall in their ugly walking shoes, etc.” I was pretty offended.

Those eighteen-year-olds have no idea about anything.  When I was eighteen and in college, I ate nothing but soft serve ice cream and cocoa puffs for three weeks straight.  It was awesome.

I can’t get out of bed this morning.  Four years ago I could break dance like an old man.  See? (Thanks, Megan)

Now I can’t break dance at all, because it hurts my wrists and groin too much.  But, I’m not even remotely an old man.  I am middle-aged, I suppose.  But, things are happening fast lately.  I can’t do things, like stay up all night.  I can’t eat a lot of omelets.  I have medical conditions and medical procedures.  I can’t smoke cigarettes in my bathroom, because I know better than to smoke, because it’s bad for my health and the smoke just gets stuck in the fan filter and smells smoky, especially when moist, like after you shower.  These are the winds of change.


11 Responses to “The Winds of Change: No Omelets.”

  1. 1 Tim Roman March 24, 2011 at 10:25 am


    If you keep posting crap like this, I will read every one and miss you a little less.

    I saw my Catalan friends Jordi and Maria in Madison a couple weeks ago (Jordi made final corrections to his dissertation and will be back in May to graduate), and they asked about you. I told them about your new book and job, but said it’s been ages since I’ve seen you. They send their best.

    Take care, buddy.


  2. 2 Geoff Herbach March 24, 2011 at 11:07 am

    Hey Tim, so good to hear about Jordi and Maria! Man, I like those guys!

    When I was in the Twin Cities, I found social media business to be overwhelming. Can’t tell you how much I count on it, now. Reading tweets from you and Molly are part of my keep on keeping on strategy. In some ways, I feel like I’m just hanging out in your dining room (not saying that much, but there!).

  3. 3 Lord Thunder Lord March 24, 2011 at 11:58 am

    Dude, I can still remember you telling me you were thirty-five back in the day at Hammy and being like, No way! You don’t look almost dead!

    And here I sit now, a few months from 32 myself…

  4. 4 Geoff Herbach March 24, 2011 at 12:07 pm

    You still have a few years before your business starts completely falling apart. Enjoy your body, Oppegaard!

  5. 5 dave March 24, 2011 at 2:13 pm

    So happy to see this clip! That was a fun time!

  6. 6 Geoff Herbach March 24, 2011 at 2:20 pm

    If not for Megan Mayer, I wouldn’t have even remembered. Cool to see the inside of the place!

  7. 7 Ken March 24, 2011 at 4:20 pm

    Love the extended paragraph on 40-somethings. Thank God we 50-somethings are so hip, because we’d be screwed if we acted anything like THAT!

    Anyway, you’re spot on with avoiding meds. They. Don’t. Work. Lipitor is a fraud. Six years ago I was supposed to go on high blood pressure meds, and I asked Dr. Smug what the alternative was. He chuckled and said, “Exercise, eat right, and drop 40 pounds.”

    So I did. And the blood pressure’s jaw dropped.

    He who laughs last avoids side effects (like death, if you listen to those fast-talking “asterisk” people who narrate possible side effects on the med commercials).

  8. 10 mrmcclurg March 25, 2011 at 7:37 pm

    Ha! This read like an old Herbach post. I mean an old post when you were young. Well, almost young. I ate an omelet this morning. I did not break dance. Together we is a mess.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

I am…

Geoff Herbach. I am the author of Stupid Fast and Nothing Special, among a bunch of other stuff. When I'm not writing, I teach writing at Minnesota State, Mankato.

Stupid Fast

Nothing Special

I’m With Stupid

Fat Boy (Gabe Johnson Takes Over)

PowderKeg Stage

Herbach's favorite store

My Bizzle

wordpress stats plugin

%d bloggers like this: