Archive for January, 2010

Butt Sledding

Is the God-Given Right of those who have made themselves more flexible through the use of the most up-to-date stretching exercises known.

Butt Sledding in PoHo Park

Damn Egg McMuffin not as bad as death sentence

Herbach woke up early and tired and thought he’d punish all of life with the downing of a sick bit of succulence over at the local McDonald’s.  He purchased himself a #1 from the menu.  That is: Egg McMuffin, Hash Brown, Black Coffee.  He might have said, “Stat,” when he ordered it, because he’s so sick and tired of people saying stat and he was in the mood for punishment.  So, back down in the dungeon office, Egg Mac downed, suddenly wondering about the damage he had done, Herbach followed an internet link printed on the side of his McSack.  It was a direct link to McDonald’s!

“Wow, they’re on the internet?!  Hi-tech!”

But here’s the deal… Herbach found the Egg Mac, Fatash Brown Combo Meal to contain a mere 450 calories.  If the man eats a salad at lunch and a sensible dinner, he might even lose weight today, on an angry day.  Wait one dang second!  What about rebellion and self-destruction!  Rock and Roll lifestyle, etc.?!  Very disappointing, McDonald’s.

Herbach might need to buy a brick of Velveeta to get the job done.

Or, perhaps, Herbach should just do what he really wants to do: get and smoke cigarettes.

We’ll see how it goes at the gym this afternoon!

Gazelle or Not? That’s This Guy’s Question.

In the pursuit of getting in serious badassed shape, this guy often guns it (relative to his level of comfort, not to an Olympic athlete nor to a passable hobbiest).  The idea, of course, is to make hay, to speed up the process, to show the gawkers at the gym what he’s really about: ass-busting.  But, there is a possibility that this approach to exercise is part of the doom cycle that often ends his new health-improvement regimes.  Why?  Because gazelle speed is hard and it hurts and exercise feels daunting many days.  Still, on better days, the competitor in him wants to waste the savannah with pounding hoof, because it feels good to be good at something (40-year-old man-speed, for instance).  So, as he mentally approaches today’s sled on the treadmill, Herbach asks, To Gazelle or Not?

Gazelle

The answer will soon present itself (about 13 minutes from now).

I am going to do it through the gout!

Herbach knows not if he has protracted the gout, but fears this is the case.  Over the weekend, he put down: Corned Beef sandwiches, ham and cheese sandwiches, a ham and cheese omelet, several savory slabs of bacon.  His lower extremities now feel creaky and cured as if they were one of these salty meats.  What will he do, crumble?  Called it a day?

Herbach to battle it, with his fists.

That’s what going on right now… at the gymnasium.

Cold Day AssBomb SnakPak

Here Herbach sits on the coldest Saturday of the winter.  He has watched his beloved basketball team, The Badgers of Wisconsin, defeat the #4 ranked Boilermakers of Purdue.  One might think that the joy associated with the wonderful television sports win would put Herbach in the mood for healthy living, but no.  There is a dryness in the air which demotivates.  Herbach’s bottom, on his way out to pick up his children this morning, first froze to the Jetta fabric, then burned as the seat heater suddenly set itself to fry (ass fries).  He lost some energy from this situation.  Then, the children (his and pal Steph’s got several phone calls inviting them to places not his own — rather to friends’ homes).  And, his plans to entertain the weesters through winter outdoor activity drained away, the plug pulled by the gravity of other weesters who are eminently more interesting than dear old dad.  More energy left him.  And, then, after the emotional victory over the Boilermakers of Purdue, Herbach drifted off to nap, then awoke to find himself eating a Velveeta salsa dip (including both Velveeta and fried ground beef).  He noticed he was drinking beer, too.

Herbach watches random sports while downing various food items of ill-repute.

This Cold Day AssBomb SnakPak can sneak up on a fellow and doom an entire week’s worth of reasonable gym activity!

Stay vigilant.  Do not look away.

Vitamins?

This guy just put down a package of Emergen-C

Emergen-C!

Oh, yeah, then poor Herbach remembered hearing somebody say that a love of vitamins is illogical, irrational, because there’s no scientific proof that vitamins do anything for us if not absorbed through natural channels, e.g. fruits, vegetables, small animals (cooked), etc.  Is that true?  Am I fooling myself?  Does this stuff work?

This guy’s going to the gym now to work his groove thing (that means ass — groove = butt crack).  Afterwards, he might well consider the proof behind the the claims vitamins make on himself (they take a portion of Herbach’s income, indeed! And this guy wants to be responsible during these trying economic times — that’s called responsibility and responsibility is healthy).

Unhealthy includes an obsession with high school…

I am working today as an adult.  That is prepping for a new semester at the community college.  Things are cold outside (trees, rivers, cars, people).  It occurred to me that one way in which Herbach has been a Mess has been his decrepit obsession with being young, being a teen, being in high school (which actually makes Herbach a decent YA writer, while harming his emotional growth).  Here’s a clip of a recent meditation on high school.

Geoff Herbach from Mulligan Stu on Vimeo.