Herbach Is Terribly Irritated By Jerk Diet “Journalism”

For instance, check this out on cnn.com.  The article starts out talking about some young chump — he used to drink like ten Cokes a day, chump — who got mad at his girlfriend because she was mean to him… and ends with the following advice:

1. Replace whole milk with 1 percent milk!  I don’t know anyone who drinks a lot of milk and if they do, whole milk?  Really?  I know one person who drinks whole milk and he is a farmer. He pulls it from teets.  That’s not 1 percent!  Moo.

2. Replace a whole bagel with… wait for it… a half bagel.  This is journalism?  Can I put all the lox and cream cheese I want on this bagel, Rabbi?

3. Replace chocolate ice cream with chocolate yogurt or a popsicle.  What about cookies and cream ice cream?  Or neopolitan, my generic ice cream favorite.  Do other kinds of ice cream need replacing, Dr.?  Why is this article so specific?Five specific hints that apply to a couple of people who might read this article.

4. Replace latte with whole milk with… wait for it… latte with skim milk!  But wait, I only have 1 percent milk… from my 1 percent cow… that’s what I replaced my whole milk cow with.  Because of this damn article on cnn.com!

5. Replace being a couch potato with a twenty minute walk.  Stick it in your ham hole.

I am so angry about crap journalism and how these jerks are trying to take advantage of fatties because they know if they

"Advertising Drives Everything, Dang It."

"Advertising Drives Everything, Dang It."

post a diet article it will get clicked a crap load of times and advertisers will buy more advertising… I mean I got so mad, I kicked the crap out of my Volkswagon Jetta, and then I was approached by this black VW Bug named Max who had a German accent and I got to complain about everything in an interview format while beautiful new VWs drove past us.  It was like talking to Freud, except VW Max is not Jewish.  Now I know that advertising drives everything and I just have to assess what’s good and bad information for myself and I have to spend a lot of time just smiling and accepting.  That’s life baby.

What can you do?  You know what to do.  Don’t eat too much, because eating too much causes fatness, and don’t click on random diet articles on cnn.com.  What can I do?  This Guy’s going to the gym.


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I am…

Geoff Herbach. I am the author of Stupid Fast and Nothing Special, among a bunch of other stuff. When I'm not writing, I teach writing at Minnesota State, Mankato.

Stupid Fast

Nothing Special

I’m With Stupid

Fat Boy (Gabe Johnson Takes Over)

PowderKeg Stage

Herbach's favorite store

My Bizzle

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