Archive for December, 2008

Too Busy To Hit Gym, Failing Yoga Grade Ensues

Thankfully tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.  After sleeping marginally, time ticked away and I wasn’t able to hit the gym to properly pursue Castaway Hanks-like fleetness of foot.  In a tight spot both literally and metaphorically, I attempted to exercise in my living room using ancient methods perfected in the Southeast of Asia.  Grade: F.

 

Failure Pose #1

Failure Pose #1

Failure Pose #2

Failure Pose #2

Failure Pose #3, "Herbach Surrender"

Failure Pose #3, "Herbach Surrender"

Thankfully all bets are off New Years day.  That means one of two things: 1) I shall lie in front of the television sweating all day, 2) I shall begin at the beginning on the first day of the New Year.  As this guy is totally unstoppable, there is a 51.1 percent chance that number 2) is coming at you.  Should number 1) come at you, the Unsinkable This Guy will begin at the beginning anew on day two of the New Year.  Change is coming.

Tom Hanks Could Not Order From Pizza Hut Late Night

He was stuck on an island in the Pacific.  He ate raw fish that he speared after chasing them through the shallows, lifting his knees high into the air to stop himself from tripping on water and rocks.  Every day he was challenged by nature and baked by the sun until his brown hair, dread-like,  turned blonde and he looked like a naked viking from the bible.  Tom Hanks was light and comfortable in his island sculpted body.

 

Biblical Viking Hanks

Biblical Viking Hanks

I live in a modern society.  Although there are big problems in modern society, the biggest problem might be the ease with which I can order from Pizza Hut while I’m using my computer. Last night as I was writing down some new song lyrics for a new musical project, I received an email from Pizza Hut.  Within several minutes of having received the email, I had placed my order for a new “natural” Pizza Hut pizza sporting “natural” sausage, organic red peppers, and a “multi-grain” crust. I wasn’t aware, until last night, of “naturally” occurring sausage, but have to say, I am impressed.  I am not, however, impressed with my inability to live Hanks-like in this modern world.  

 

Box Ordered Online, Arrived At Door Filled With "Natural" Pizza

Box Ordered Online, Arrived At Door Filled With "Natural" Pizza

 

Today, this last day of December, and thus last day of 2008.  Today, I will have to pay for my past indiscretions, namely eating that pizza.  Today, I will have to hit the gymnasium doubly hard.  I will have to battle various aches and pains, including what I’ve diagnosed to be turf toe.  I will have to burn an Island Hanks-load, plus an extra thousand calories stuffed in my mouth by modern society late last night.

Sad Face Of Man Who Ate "Natural" Pizza Late Night

Sad Face Of Man Who Ate "Natural" Pizza Late Night

Full Hour Exercise in Pursuit of Tom Hanks

Might Collapse, But Determined.

Might Collapse, But Determined.


This guy went around and around the track over at the Midtown YWCA. Oh yes, a magic bevy of old ladies passed him, taunted him with their quick feet, but this guy is not even remotely down. He stares into the distance of his apartment and prepares for more Tom Hanks Hot Pursuit.

Tom Hanks Castaway Inspiration

The other night, I woke up with a problem: I’d eaten too much and my stomach was feeling uncomfortable (felt like it was going to explode…gas rumbling followed by boom).  When I don’t smoke, which is most of the time now, I eat constantly.  I have to fill my pie hole with the pie filling, or I feel empty inside, which is really sad.  

But hark!  Something changed!  As my stomach rumbled and threatened to explode, I flipped on the television to take my

Light as a feather!

Light as a feather!

mind off the over-eating I had done.  And there, at one in the morning, was Castaway starring Tom Hanks.  When Mr. Hanks landed on the island after the horrific plane crash, he had a large belly which, LO, reminded me of mine own large belly.  He had to bend over that thing and it looked really uncomfortable.  Poor Tom Hanks!  Poor Herbach who deals with the same trouble!  Then, after four years (movie time) on the island, Tom Hanks, only eating wee fishies, had no belly and I saw how good Tom Hanks actually felt (Tom Hanks felt great). He bounced around like a gazelle on that island.  And, even though he is a brilliant actor and he suffered mightily, the delight of being slim jimmy hanky boy in real life also came through.  

And, now I am inspired.  I just want to be light.  I don’t care how I look, but want to bounce around my own island (apartment) like a gazelle.  And thus, I have reentered the gym.

Gotta upgrade the diet.  I don’t want to have to spear and eat raw fish.  I don’t like fish that much.

I am considering buying a volleyball to use as a friend, which might help me replace cigarettes (old friend).

Look out!  Here I come!

This is the face of power, at the beginning, before it is realized

That’s right, I hit the gym and I walked around and jogged for moments here and there and watched other people, in shape people, glide by on their muscular legs… all the while, this guy struggled for air.  I was seriously surprised by how much my Santa Claus ass and gut rumbled and shook like indigestion and jell-O.  The shit has hit the fan.  I’m the shit, baby!  Doesn’t matter.  I’m back.  I’ve been on and off cigarettes.  Hitting the Velveeta like some kind of real-stuff-hating, self-hating cheese freak.  But now, I’m back.  BACK!  Watch out for this guy!

photo-337Check out the glasses.  Only serious people wear glasses that big and serious.  Check out the hoodie.  That’s a NIKE hoodie, with a swoosh, which makes you know that I mean business.  I know my business, too.  Kicking ass.  That look in my eyes?  That’s pure, hardcore determination.  No, this fellow is not dipping into caramel sauce with his bare hand because no dishes are washed… this guy is going to watch some TV without eating anything or washing dishes, because he doesn’t feel like it.  You got that?

Today is the first day of the rest of this guy’s life.

Check it!


I am…

Geoff Herbach. I am the author of Stupid Fast and Nothing Special, among a bunch of other stuff. When I'm not writing, I teach writing at Minnesota State, Mankato.

Stupid Fast

Nothing Special

I’m With Stupid

Fat Boy (Gabe Johnson Takes Over)

PowderKeg Stage

Herbach's favorite store

My Bizzle

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