Herbach’s bag of lettuce

I’m one of those guys who buys a bunch of romaine at the grocery store, sticks it in his refrigerator, and then goes out to eat at Town Talk, spending $200 he doesn’t have on fine drinks, burgers/fries and also deep fried cheese curds. All of it is delicious, of course. Meanwhile, his romaine is wilting. It’s losing it’s structure. It’s getting liquidy. Now his romaine is going into the garbage (or into his fully-functioning compost). Yes, I’m one of those guys and this situation is a small-time disaster.

Why? I’m also one of those guys who is battling an ill-fated budget and one of those guys who likely suffers from high cholesterol but wouldn’t know it because he has a high-deductible health insurance policy that is really just there in case of emergencies.

Oh no! I have no business eating at wonderful restaurants while there’s romaine in my refrigerator! For many reasons!

Today, I was going to make myself a fine meal. A multi-faceted meal (many flavors and textures). But, I have eaten expensive Mexican and expensive American in the last couple of days, combined with expensive drinks mixed for summer, and today, instead of treating myself, I am going to eat the bag of lettuce I purchased last week. Here it is:

Herbach hugs Light Caesar “Kit”

Oh no! This is not the regular rotting bag of lettuce in my refrigerator. I bought something special, something enticing and simple, something three-quarters prepared already. Something almost processed to trick myself into thinking it is Macaroni and Cheese. I gave myself a head-start, every reason not to spend $200 on delicious dinners out. A Dole Caesar Kit! Eat the freaking lettuce, man!

Why eat lettuce? Why is it so important to me, that I buy it every time I’m at the grocery store, even though I know I will battle the very sight of it in my refrigerator? According to a recent study (read abstract here), rats who ate a 20% lettuce diet lowered their bad cholesterol, increased their fecal steroid production by 44% (this is a good thing, apparently – I mention this fact only because I am immature and find the word fecal funny), lowered absorption of dietary cholesterol, and increased antioxidant status in their bodies due to the high levels of vitamins C, E, and carotenoids (fat soluble pigment that is a source of antioxidants and vitamin A). Conclusion? Regular lettuce consumption should protect the cardiovascular health of rats, and by extension, other mammals such as me.

The rat and I should benefit, cardiovascularly speaking, from lettuce.

And, thus, today I shall not go anyplace but to the refrigerator where I will eat of that Dole Lettuce. And, if I am successful, and I find myself able to replicate this act, for it is the right act to take, I will find myself healthier and wealthier (as lettuce replaces $200 dinners on the town) and perhaps a little bit happier.

And, thus, a home made lettuce salad, even a Macaroni and Cheese style bagged lettuce (at least for the time-being), will be worth 5 extra points in my metric of conscious living.

Amen.

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I am…

Geoff Herbach. I am the author of Stupid Fast and Nothing Special, among a bunch of other stuff. When I'm not writing, I teach writing at Minnesota State, Mankato.

Stupid Fast

Nothing Special

I’m With Stupid

Fat Boy (Gabe Johnson Takes Over)

PowderKeg Stage

Herbach's favorite store

My Bizzle

wordpress stats plugin

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